Thursday, January 01, 2009

Gift Assistance

Dear Santa Claus Customer Service,

Despite numerous phone calls to 1-800-GFTSRUS, I’ve been unable to resolve some problems with my Christmas gifts. The customer service elf I spoke with was very pleasant, but sadly we had an Elfin-English language barrier that could not be overcome. Let me explain my difficulties.

First, it’s Kindle, not “Ken doll.” A Kindle is an expensive new reading device that every writer lusts after. A Ken doll inspires no passion, of any kind, from anyone. Please send Ken home to Barbie and ship me the Kindle.

When I asked for “peace and quiet in which to write,” I was thinking more along the lines of a retreat. I received a box with duct tape, ear plugs, and a Bic pen. Very funny. I didn’t know Santa was such a jokester. (And the duct tape quality was quite low! My son had it off in less than two minutes.)

The abacus, while lovely, was not at all what I had in mind by “wireless computer.” Was this another joke, or is it a comment on my abilities as a writer?

Anything you can do to help with these lingering gift issues is much appreciated.

Yours truly,
Terrisa Meeks

P.S. I was (kind of) joking when I asked for a New York Times best-seller. What I meant was that I wanted to be the author of a NYT bestseller. Still, I was thrilled to find the entire NYT’s best-seller list stacked under (and around and beside) my tree, but it did cause a tiny storage problem. My husband is very distressed about the piles of books, and he keeps muttering about kerosene and matches. (He’s been complaining about the piles of books in our house for 20 years now, and frankly, this has not helped.) Could you be sure to correct your records to reflect my actual wish-list item and just move that to 2009? Many thanks.
Photo courtesy of Thad Zajdowicz at


Ritergal said...

I love this post! I'm laughing to hard my husband just called in to ask what was so funny.

Maybe when you get the Kindle you can exchange the pile of paper books for digital.

You've set the bar high for this year's postings. May you leap with ease for the next 362. I look forward to reading them. %-]

TH Meeks said...

Thanks, Sharon! So far--can you imagine?--no Kindle in mailbox. I knew I should have had that letter translated into Elfin. :)

Here's hoping that all our writing leaps high and far in 2009!